It's about 4am today and I'm feeling contemplative so I shall write an entire blogpost about 2011. Maybe (most probably) I will feel contemplative again and write another long blogpost. So how has this year been? Not many people ask this question because it's just so weird in the common text contexts and looking back, I honestly don't know. I can't say whether it's been a good or bad year per se because so many things have happened in this 365 days that I can't even put into a word, indescribable maybe. 365 days, about 52 weeks (not lying i had to google that), 1 year. I really hate how I'm getting older to be honest. Getting older means more responsibilities. I always thought I was a pretty responsible kid until one day I realised i wasn't. that day, i realised that my notion and supposed "meaning" of responsibility was a lie. There are moments in life where I just feel like my entire life has been a lie. Idk, this is dumb so I'm not going to talk about this anymore. Please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not going to talk about it not because it's getting too personal or whatever, (though it really sounds like it), I don't have tears pouring down but it is genuinely because I am tired of the topic.


Ideas. I really, really, really hate impressions and ideas. It's so horrible because every single time I feel as though someone would judge me for my actions, or think something about me because of what I do/did. It's horrible, sometimes I don't think about it but most of the time my overactive brain will think back to a really embarrasing time and be like, WAIT, what did people think of me then? shit, they must think I'm retarded and not wanna be my friend anymore. shit, I just made a fool out of myself. that guy must think I'm some dumb bimbo. i don't know whether it's the way society is or the way I am but I just think too much. I think too much about the opinions of other people, sometimes my own doesn't really matter to me much. I may seem like the stubborn-est person sometimes but it's really only on the smallest of matters, the opinions of people can really sway me so much it's scary to think back on. Sometimes you just think, who cares, I'm gonna live my life for myself and not care about anyone who disagrees. For me, it's not that easy, and I'm gonna say that though i sometimes think that I can never ever get around to doing that, it's almost as though my brain isn't programmed to function that way. This year there were so many backstabbers, so many lies and I got hurt over things that never used to matter to me. 


This year, I just feel more complicated to be honest. which actually makes sense, because I'm adding on a year to my 13 (and now 14) years on this earth. 14 seems so young in some contexts and now I'm thinking about how young I am but then again sometimes I think I'm just so old and disgusting for whatever reason. 


This year, I wonder about my life in 10 years time. looking back on my life just maybe 2 years ago (p6), I can honestly see how I have matured because I mean, I was a pretty immature bitch when i was p4-6. I can't even believe I acted that way and kinda hate myself about it. But who cares about maturity, to me, maturity is something I sometimes think of but for the most part, I don't really care because honestly it's not a very interesting subject.


This year, my perceptions on many things have changed but I never say it out loud. I seem to have kept my ideas and opinions about things (more serious ones obviously) more to myself. This year, my trust in God honestly sometimes wavered but many things this year were such miracles and I just watched this youtube video that really made me think. Many things this year made me think and many things this year made me cry. There were tears shed this year, but not over typical things like love (LOL #foreveralone)


I like people who are inquisitive to a certain extent. I like them in books but hate them in real life. I like it when in books, people are like, I wonder why this person is on the bus. I think it's interesting in books but in real life it honestly spells a very awkward/annoying/weird conversation.


Thinking back there are honestly many things I have forgotten. Details that I promised to remember but obviously didn't. 2011 seems like a bunch of small jigsaw puzzles that i cannot fit together and I'm jealous of people who have a constant diary because I wish I did. I want to remember ever single detail of my life if I could, because somehow I think I forgot some things that were life-changing. I seem to forget life-changing things very easily and remember the not-so-important ones.


2011 was a weird year, I seemed to "party" a lot. I seemingly remember to work much harder in 2010. every year, i leave the year sad and oddly wishing the year would never end and this was one of them. Change is hard for me. I missed 2010 for that few days of 2011 and now I'm missing 2011 but to be honest the "missing" will only last for a few days till I get used to it. But then, there will be a point in my life where i accidentally write "2010" in my paper and feel like crying, because 2010-2011 was not SUCH a big change but change was still there. 2011-2012 is going to be an even bigger change and I don't know what to think of it just yet, but I know I will miss people. 2011 was such a weird year because it passed by so fast. 


I'm out of thoughts now so I'm going to stop writing soon.


2011 was a nice year in all. Nice but mean at the same time. I can't do these "year" blog posts well because most of the time I look back and can't put into words how the events make me feel. but I think that 2011 was a nice year.